I had a shitty day today, and I figured that if I’m not gonna talk about it, there’s no point to this blog. I’ve spent a long time trying to be everything people wanted a perfect person to be, only to realise a couple years ago that no one likes a perfect person. But I still don’t deal well with rejections of any kind and every time I get one, I feel like I’m not enough.
It’s still hard to unlearn the compulsion to please, and from a conversation with a friend the other day, I’ve realised that my self-worth is still very much dependent on other people. Even on compliments I get from random guys on Tinder, which is a precarious position to find myself in. I’m not a psychotherapist, so I don’t always know how to deal with this shit. I’m not depressed. I just have off days when all I want to do is watch Netflix and cry.
Sometimes, it’s only a day. Sometimes, it’s a week. It’s happened that it’s lasted for months, too, though. I don’t deal well with rejections, but all artists get plenty of them. After releasing a new EP, apart from compliments from friends and family, I also got emails from blogs that didn’t want to write about it because my voice was not folky enough or my guitar sounded too harsh in the recording. I regularly get emails from promoters who don’t think I will be able to draw a sufficiently big crowd. Sometimes, I don’t get any replies at all. It can get tough, especially because often, I’m too embarrassed by the barrage of rejections to even talk about it with my friends. Here’s what I do instead:
1. I write
When I keep everything inside, I inevitably crash. I overthink everything, and if I don’t write stuff down, my thoughts spin out of control. When I sit down and write – lyrics, diary, essay, whatever – it helps me to put my thoughts in perspective. Another thing that I do is affirmations. When I feel really low, I try to write down thoughts that are the opposite of what I’m actually thinking, like “I am a good musician”, “I’m proud of myself for putting myself out there”, “I’m brave”. Even if I don’t always believe it, it puts my mind in a better place.
2. I clean my room
When I feel like shit, it’s usually because I’m not in control. Cleaning the space around me makes me feel like I still own my narrative and like I care about myself enough to make an effort. It also prepares me for a better day tomorrow, when I’ll wake up in a clean room, ready to start a new day. Besides, cleaning itself is pretty therapeutic (maybe that’s just me).
3. I hold a pity-party for myself
Some songs always put me in a good mood. ‘Dancing with Myself‘ by Billy Idol, ‘Istanbul (Not Constantinople)’ by They Might Be Giants, ‘Paper Planes‘ by M.I.A. make me want to dance. So, I put them on and sing along and dance awkwardly, as you do. Sometimes, it doesn’t work and I return to bed. But sometimes, listening to those songs makes me want to get out of the house and get a drink with friends, and I stop feeling like I’m a sad vegetable and go have some fun.
4. I do something I’ve been putting off for a while
I have this Spotify playlist that I’m really proud and only slightly embarrassed of. It’s called the Bad Bitch Playlist. When I get rejected for some – according to me – unjust reason, I don’t always feel like shit. Sometimes, I feel angry. So, I put on this playlist and go to work. I go through my to-do list, do something I had been planning to do for a while (like recording a song, writing a blog post, learning a guitar lick), and it leaves me feeling better about myself.
5. I go easy on myself
It’s hard to remember, but I can’t be everything people want me to be. I’m only myself, with all my weaknesses and limitations. But then again, no one expects me to be perfect except for myself. I try to remember that when I feel like a useless, emotional wreck. I try not to judge and I try to listen to my body. If I’m tired, I take a day off – maybe go for a walk, maybe take a shower, maybe watch some Netflix. I give myself a break, so that I feel better when a new day comes around.